(This is the public facebook post I made on May 7, 2024.)

I’ve spent countless nights deciding if I should publicly state this. I didn’t want to offend anyone. I didn’t want to hurt people I care about. But I can no longer quietly sit by and not acknowledge a life changing choice I have made.

I have left my church, my religion, my way of life. This post is lengthy but please take the time to hear me out.

Whether you are a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or not, I’ve tried to cover everyone in this extremely long post.

Latter-Day Saint friend: I wasn’t going to post anything. Out of respect for you and your beliefs. And because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. Some of my dearest friends are because we met through the LDS church.

If I either could still believe that the church is what it claims to be—God’s one true restored church on earth led by a prophet that speaks with and for God; OR, if I thought it was a benign and benevolent organization, I would stay. I would stay because it was my spiritual home. It was an integral part of who I was.

But I don’t. I no longer believe. And the history, teachings, doctrines, and policies of the church have been the biggest surprise for me as I studied the Gospel Essays and Church History topics on the LDS website. I have read many books by past prophets and leaders. I feel deceived, dismissed and betrayed by the organization that was my life. I didn’t just believe a little or every now and then. I dedicated my entire life to its teachings and beliefs. I raised my children with these beliefs. But what I believed and what I was taught is not what is truth as now taught by the Church. You see in the name of “protecting the good name of the church” I was not afforded the opportunity to learn the truth of its beginnings, prophets complete teachings and was told to believe with only half the information. And for that reason, I can’t stay. I was taught to stand for truth and righteousness. And it led me here.

I’ve been where you are. I was totally in, and when I saw people leave, it would break my heart. And so I know the stories that we tell ourselves about people who leave.

She never had a real testimony to begin with.

She got too liberal.

She was reading/listening to anti-mormon rhetoric.

She was led away by Satan.

She committed some terrible sin.

Even the very elect with be deceived.

And it makes me sad to know that these are stories people may now tell about me. But I understand. I was there too. But it still hurts. I believed 100 %. And now I don’t. I had a testimony, and now I don’t.

There is so much about my 44 years in the church that I love. I loved the latter-day saint community. I loved living and learning about the gospel. I loved serving. I loved the goodness and hope that my beliefs brought to my life. The values that Mormonism instilled in me are the same values that led me out. And so there is intense GRIEF associated with leaving. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I do find it sad that there is such loneliness and isolation when someone leaves their faith. No one asks why. Only one person has reached out from my “ward family” of 17 years. There are no phone calls. Just silence. There is no thank you for being a part of us for 44 years. It just ends. My therapist asked me why I don’t stay and just bring up the topics and be a light for others that may have questions. He doesn’t understand Mormonism. He doesn’t understand there is not a place for me to do that. The church wouldn’t allow it.

I really hope we can still be friends. And I’m sorry if my leaving hurts you. Feel free to reach out. I won’t try to de-convert you. Just, please, don’t make me your missionary project. With love, Ruth

My exmo friend:

I’m sorry for what I said when I was Mormon. Seriously. The conditioning and indoctrination runs deep. I know you know. If you want to chat about Mormonism, post-mo life, or anything else, send me a message and let’s go get together. Love, Ruth

My never-Mormon friend:

I’m sorry for what I said when I was Mormon. I was following what I thought was truth and doing my best. Not that it was all bad. And the values that Mormonism instilled in me are the same values that led me out. But unless you have been raised in a high-demand religion, you probably don’t know how all-encompassing it can be. So, have patience with me while I figure out what life on the outside is like. If you are interested in hearing more about my experience, feel free to ask. Love, Ruth

My questioning Mormon friend:

You are my biggest reason for posting publicly. When I started going down the rabbit-hole of information, most of it from historical books published by the church, the Joseph Smith papers, and the gospel essays and church history topics on the LDS website, etc…it felt like my whole life was being thrown into a tornado and I was being twisted and thrown without someone to help me through it. Thankfully I reached out to a few family members and friends who have also left and that gave me someone safe to talk to. Not many people leave and publicly announce it. Which is understandable but also so isolating for those of us who end up finding ourselves in need of those who have left before us. THIS is why I have decided to publicly address my departure from the LDS church. If you want someone to talk to about your deconstruction / faith journey / faith crisis etc., I’d love to chat. Email, text, call, or let’s meet up in person. I’m here for you. I am so grateful for those who helped me through my dark night of the soul. I’m still finding my way. But you don’t have to do it alone. There is a whole community of people out there who understand.

Love you.

Ruth