But Did You Ever Have a Testimony?

This question stings. I hear it too often, and it’s not just a query—it’s a judgment disguised as curiosity. I figured it was time to address it directly. The implication behind this question is clear: If I had truly believed, I wouldn’t have left. If I had truly experienced the divine, I would still be there. It’s a dismissive narrative that invalidates both my faith and my doubts.

The Pain of Misunderstanding and Judgment

To suggest that I never had a testimony, didn’t read the Book of Mormon, or lacked spiritual experiences is not only unfair but deeply insulting. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do anything halfway. Why would I approach the most important thing in my life—or at least what I believed was the most important thing—any differently? My story is not one of casual involvement or passive participation. For 44 years, I dedicated my life to the church. I served in countless roles—Seminary teacher, Relief Society President, Young Women leader, chorister, librarian, every calling a woman could hold—and made sacrifices that impacted my career choices and family relationships. My commitment was total.

Yet, when I began to question, the empathy I had hoped for was often replaced by suspicion. My doubts were met with defensiveness, not understanding. Friends and family, rather than supporting me through the turmoil, assumed I had lost something or failed in some way. This lack of empathy reveals more about the conditioning of the community than about me. It reflects an inability to comprehend that someone might leave, not because they never believed, but because they believed deeply enough to confront uncomfortable truths.

Empathy Requires Courage

Empathy isn’t just about kindness—it’s about courage. It means sitting with someone’s pain without needing to resolve it or fit it into a familiar framework. It means acknowledging that their journey, even if it diverges from your own, is valid and meaningful. In a culture that values certainty, admitting that someone else’s truth might challenge your own is difficult. But it’s necessary.

Understanding the Psychological Processes at Play

When people judge, they often misunderstand the complexity of belief. My journey wasn’t a sudden loss of faith; it was a gradual awakening to the psychological processes that shape our spiritual experiences:

Self-Indoctrination and Conditioning:
From an early age, the church taught me to recognize specific emotional responses as divine. This continuous reinforcement—through rituals, roles, and teachings—created a framework where those experiences felt undeniably real. My deep involvement is evidence of how powerful this conditioning can be.

Confirmation Bias:
We naturally seek out experiences that confirm what we already believe. When I prayed or served and felt something, I attributed it to the Holy Ghost because that’s what I had been taught to expect. This reinforced my belief system, even if the feelings were rooted in internal or situational factors.

Emotional Autosuggestion:
Identifying certain emotions, like warmth or peace, as spiritual confirmation was ingrained in me. These feelings were sincere but shaped by learned interpretations. Understanding this doesn’t diminish the experiences I had—it highlights how deeply they were influenced by conditioning.

A Journey of Strength, Not Weakness

Leaving the church wasn’t a failure of faith; it was a triumph of integrity. It required me to question deeply held beliefs and confront the possibility that what I had been taught might not be the whole truth. This journey has been painful, but it has also been liberating. It has taught me that true faith isn’t about blind adherence—it’s about having the courage to seek truth, even when it leads you away from familiar paths.

“But Did You Ever Have a Testimony?”

I don’t owe anyone an answer, but here it is anyway: Yes, I had a testimony. I prayed. I prayed about the Book of Mormon, and I read it multiple times. I prayed for answers to questions, and I believed I received them. I prayed to know the truthfulness of teachings and genuinely thought I felt divine confirmation. However, wanting something to be true plays a significant role in confirmation bias. Indoctrination dictates the path, shaping how we interpret those feelings. My journey doesn’t erase those moments—it adds depth to their understanding.